


Geometry

by spicydanhowell



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Anxious Dan Howell, Bulimia, Chaptered, Cutting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sad Dan Howell, Self Harm, phan anorexia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-10
Updated: 2017-07-12
Packaged: 2018-11-30 08:09:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11459538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spicydanhowell/pseuds/spicydanhowell
Summary: Dan's attempt to gain control spirals out of control when his obsession with self starvation puts him at serious risk. By the time Phil finally discovers Dan's illness, it may be too little too late.





	1. Shapes

September

“Danny? Come to bed.” Phil called flirtily from the bedroom. Dan was on his laptop in the lounge, and cringed when he heard his boyfriend call him. He loved Phil, and he wanted so badly to be intimate with him, but his body… Phil had already expressed that he didn’t like doing it with the lights off, and Dan had been making excuses ever since. Dan stood and made his walk of shame into the bedroom.

“I’m sorry, Philly. I’m still feeling sick.” persuaded Dan.

“It’s okay, babe.” Phil comforted with a sad smile. “We don’t have to. Lie down. Is it your stomach still?” he asked, pulling back the covers. Dan lied down next to where Phil sat cross legged, and placed his head in his partner’s lap.

“Yeah.” he said simply. Phil stroked his curly hair lovingly.

“Let’s watch a movie then.” Phil suggested, lightening the mood. He was so good at that.

 

* * *

 

Morning

Dan stood in front of the open refrigerator picking up one item after another indecisively. Eggs have fat, avocado has fat, milk has fat, butter has fat… What could he eat for breakfast? Should he splurge? Or should he lose weight so maybe he could be comfortable having sex with Phil again? God, that thought was depressing. _Do it for Phil._ That was the affirmation.

“Hey babe, what’cha doin’?” Phil asked sing-songly as he bounced into the kitchen and kissed Dan on the cheek.

“I was… gonna have tea.” Dan improvised, shutting the refrigerator door and picking up the kettle.

“Make some for me too.” Phil requested. “What kind of cereal do you want?” Dan was hungry, but had no appetite. He looked down at the rounded bump that was his tummy beneath his shirt. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t eat.

“I ate already.” Dan choked out. Phil made a pouty face.

“Without me?” he put an arm around Dan’s waist and felt him flinch at the touch. He let go slowly and took Dan’s shoulders, looking into his eyes. “Is something wrong?” he asked looking his partner’s face over carefully.

“I just didn’t sleep well.” Dan assured him. He kissed Phil’s nose and drew him into a hug until he heard the kettle screech.


	2. Vertices

October

In four weeks, Dan lost sixteen pounds. At 173, he finally allowed Phil to see him naked again, despite some discomfort. Phil was thrilled at the increase in their intimacy. Hiding his self starvation from Phil, however, was difficult, as they ate together more often than they ate alone. Dan adapted by napping through dinner times, and waking up before Phil in the morning so to avoid eating breakfast with him. Eating lunch and sharing snacks together was the exception, so that Phil would see him eat and not be suspicious. 

Dan was no beginner at this game. He had starved himself for a short period in 2012 which went largely unnoticed by Phil. What Phil had noticed, however, were the cuts. He was so distraught when he found out. He cried, and kissed his scars, and made him promise to stop. Dan couldn’t say no, but lying was easy. Eventually, Phil saw fresh cuts once again and became very attentive to Dan. With Phil’s eyes on him at all times, Dan was forced to start eating again… For a while.

“Some old friends of mine are going for drinks.” Phil announced, looking at his phone as he shuffled into the bedroom. “Come with?”

“No, Phil, I’m busy.” Dan moaned, rubbing his eyebrows and staring at his laptop. Phil leant on the door frame.

“We haven’t gone out in weeks. Take a night off and come with me, babe.” Phil pressed. Dan closed his eyes.

“I said ‘no’ Phil. I’m not in the mood to get drunk with your friends.” Phil took a deep breath and ran his hand through his hair.

“Fine. Have it your way.” Phil concluded, taking his jacket from the desk chair and making his exit without another word. Dan sighed with guilt at that. Phil was only trying to get him out of the house…

Looking back at tumblr Dan gazed concentratedly at thin girls, thin boys, thigh gaps, and bones. He reblogged them to his side blog, which was under a false name: Arthur, and updated his blog description to ‘6’2”, 173, GW: 130’.


	3. Lines

November

158 pounds. Dan ran his fingers through his thinning hair and examined the bags under his eyes. They weren’t so bad today. The baby-blanket soft, oversized sweater he opted for warmed his freezing skin, and the loose jeans he paired them with cloaked his skinny legs.

“I like the pastel look.” Phil flirted, hugging Dan gently from behind. Dan tensed his muscles and placed his hands over his partner’s. “Are you ready to film?” Dan mumbled an m-hm as he felt the heat in his head and saw spots. Fuck. He hadn’t eaten the day before, and now he had to work on a video with Phil. “Come on and help me set up the lights.” Phil said excitedly, kissing Dan’s temple and scurrying out the door. Fuck. He popped 2 sticks of peppermint gum into his mouth and mentally prepared himself for physical strain.

“Should I change that last bit or just leave it out?” Phil asked, mid-filming, looking concentratedly at his notecard. He looked up when he heard Dan’s silence. Dan was pale, and swaying on his feet with a hand on the wall for balance. “Dan!” Phil exclaimed, turning off the camera and helping Dan to sit down on the floor. “Are you going to faint?” he asked, examining his partner’s face. Dan was an occasional fainter, so Phil knew what to do in this situation.

“No, I’ll be fine.”

“I’ll get you some water. Do you need a snack?” Phil offered, halfway out the door.

“A yogurt, please.” 90 calories.

* * *

 

Dan awoke to the sound of his boyfriend’s gentle breathing, his arm strewn across Dan’s body like the moonlight peeking through the open blinds. Sirens, horns, and general London clamour sounded from the streets below, but Dan had tuned it all out years ago. Something drew him out of bed. It wasn’t a hunger for food, but a hunger for feeling, an itch. He stumbled into the bathroom, bright speckles dancing before his eyes, and turned on the lights to see himself in the mirror. Pale. Tired. The very definition of a mess. He steadied himself with a hand on the wall, and opened the medicine cabinet with another. Disposable razors, useless. He opened the cleaning supplies cabinet and extracted a small utility knife. Perfect. A pang of guilt struck Dan as he bit his lip and scratched his itch.


	4. Angles

December

149 pounds. Dan’s heart fluttered at that, as he had now lost 40 pounds since September. He quickly dressed in a long sleeve spandex shirt, his grey Youtube hoodie, warm pajama pants, and socks (he was colder these days) and ambled into the lounge to update his thinspo tumblr.

“Dan?” Phil asked in his what-the-hell-are-you-doing? tone. “Why did you post this on your tumblr?” Dan nearly went into cardiac arrest. Phil had turned his laptop around to show Dan a black and white photo of an emaciated girl in tights with hearts on them holding a vintage camera. Fuck. That was on his main blog? His main blog that was followed by over a million fans.

“I- I didn’t mean to post that. I’ll go take it down.” Dan stammered. Phil wasn’t satisfied. 

“Why were you  _ looking  _ at this?” Phil pressed, eyebrows knitted, looking Dan up and down.

“It’s an aesthetic photo, Phil. It’s just pretty.”

“Bullshit, Dan.” Phil groaned, rubbing his temples. “You’re so thin. Our viewers were talking about it before, but now it’s chaos.” Fuck. How long had it been up? At least 8 or 10 hours by now… 

“Yes, I’m thin, and so are you.” Dan asserted. “I’ll handle the rumors and apologize for the photo, but get off my back, will you?” Phil snapped and leapt off the sofa, wrestling Dan to the floor, removing his sweatshirt and then his undershirt revealing his protruding ribs and hipbones and bright red scabs crisscrossing his forearms.

“Oh my god!” Phil cried. “Dan… I…” tears formed in the corners of his eyes as he sank from his knees to a seated position on the floor. Mortified, Dan silently dressed himself again and looked down into his lap. For a long time, nobody knew what to say. Silence hung in the air like a dead man from a noose, and like a hanged man, Dan was suffocated. “I’m going to call your doctor.” Phil said softly. “You really need to be taking medicine, or seeing some sort of professional… Until then… we’ll take care of you. I had no idea you were still cutting and-”

“No, Phil.” Dan interrupted, finding his voice. “I’m not anorexic, I’m just thin. This is just my body, and I’m not depressed.”

“Then why are you cutting yourself?” Phil whispered, tears running down his cheeks. Dan sighed. He truly didn’t have an answer.

“I’m not going to see a doctor, Phil. I only did it once since I stopped a few years ago. It was a momentary relapse. I’m stressed, Philly. That’s why I’m losing weight. I’m sorry.” Lies. Disgusting, filthy lies, and Phil was trusting him.

“All right, Dan. How can I help you?” Phil entreated. Dan took Phil’s hand and helped him to stand up slowly, pulling him into a hug. 

“Let’s take a walk. It’s a beautiful day.”

From then on, Dan pretended to eat. He left crumbs on plates and, guiltily, threw away portions of food. Their viewers mostly accepted Dan’s explanation that the tumblr post had been a mistake, and that he was okay. Others commented that he was still problematically thin, and argued that the explanation was a cover-up, but Dan was used to ignoring rumors. He filtered comments on his videos for the words “anorexic”, “eating disorder”, “thin”, and “skinny” and ignored his DMs. Within a few weeks, people got over the scandal, and for a brief period everything was calm… Until it wasn’t.


	5. End Point

January

When Dan’s body became accustomed to 300 calories per day, and his weight loss plateaued, he began to fast every other day, and the results were showing. 141 pounds. So close to perfect, but so far away. Dan began shopping for new jeans, and dressing in layers at all times. Luckily, layers gave the appearance of weight, so nobody could tell if Dan dropped another five pounds or so.

At Dan’s request, Phil gave his partner plenty of alone time so he could “rest, read books, nap…” He knew Dan needed the personal space to de-stress, but he still checked Dan’s forearms for cuts regularly, just to be sure. Phil’s phone buzzed as he lied watching a documentary on the sofa. It was a text from his university friend, Kris, inviting him and Dan to her birthday get-together a few days in the future. He accepted her invitation, and bounced into the bedroom to tell Dan. This would be good for him.

Fuck, a party. That meant food and probably alcohol… Dan scratched his head nervously as he formulated a game plan. He’d have to go to measures he wasn’t fond of.

 

* * *

 

“Philly! It’s so nice to see you!” Kris exclaimed, pulling Phil into a hug. “And Dan, it’s been so long!” she said embracing him as well. She was a slim, blonde girl with perfectly applied make-up. Dan had met her maybe once, and couldn’t remember the circumstances. Phil laughed and presented a colorful bouquet.

“For you.” he announced as they stepped into the moderately populated apartment and kicked off their shoes. Dan shied away from the two awkwardly. “Also this. Happy birthday.” He smiled, holding out a small poorly wrapped package. Phil was such a sweet person. His friends loved him, and for good reason.

“Do you want a drink, Dan?” asked a tall, broad girl with very short hair. “Oh, I’m Tommi, Kris’s partner.”

“I’m Dan.” She knew that. Damn it. “Uh, yes thank you. Just water, please.” Tommi smiled amusedly.

“Make yourself at home, hunny.”

Dan didn’t know anyone here, but thankfully, as usual, Phil remained within an arm’s reach. Fasting for two days prior to the event was necessary, but also painful. Luckily, the group of nine or ten people soon sat down to play party games on the floor of the lounge. As long as he didn’t move too much, Dan wouldn’t faint. Too soon, however, the door buzzer sounded, and Kris jumped up to get the door. Pizza. This wasn’t going to be easy. Kris placed the boxes on the coffee table just behind where Dan and Phil were sitting, and friends scooched over to serve themselves.

“What kind do you want, bear?” Phil asked softly, setting down his Cards Against Humanity cards and taking Dan’s hand. Dan’s anxiety skyrocketed, and Phil could feel Dan’s hands become clammy. “What’s wrong?” he asked, cocking his head.

“I’m okay, just a little tense.” Dan breathed.

“Do you want a beer?” Phil offered, gesturing at the ice bucket by the table. Alcohol. Dan hadn’t had a sip in months.

“Ah, yes, sure.” Dan agreed. Phil handed him a bottle and placed two hot slices of pizza on his paper plate, Dan following suit. It looked so delicious. Soft crust and a thick coat of melted mozzarella was like something Dan could never dream of. The beer was cold and lovely and the buzz hit him instantly. Everyone around him was laughing and eating carelessly, drinking three or four beers, or going in for seconds without a thought. Dan used to be able to do that, but here he was hiding his skinny form with a baggy sweater and jeans and dark circles under his eyes nervously swallowing exactly two slices of cheese pizza and one beer to please his boyfriend.

“I’ll be back in a moment.” Dan said softly, patting Phil’s knee and pushing himself up off the floor.

“Bathroom is through the kitchen, on the left.” Tommi provided.

“Thank you.” Dan chuckled artificially.

He had never done this before and, ironically, it made him sick to think about it. Two fingers down his throat, and one fist pushing on his stomach, just how the website told him to. The process was surprisingly painless, and the sick didn’t taste as awful as he expected since it barely reached his stomach. When nothing more came up, Dan stood up straight and was met with a stabbing cramp to his abdomen, and a fainting spell. He came to almost immediately upon impact with the tiled floor, and heard a barrage of footsteps racing towards him. Oh fuck no. The door whipped open and there was Phil, paler than ever with terror in his eyes. There was Dan, collapsed on the bathroom floor with vomit on his fingers and in the toilet.

“What’s happened?” Kris demanded nervously from behind Phil, who luckily blocked the scene from her view. Without answering, Phil shut the door behind him and locked it, for privacy. Here was that silence again. Phil held his head in his hands and wiped a tear from his eye.

“Let’s get you home.” he whispered finally, in a wavering voice. Dan looked down, and offered no reply. He allowed himself to be helped up, and cleaned up. Phil wiped down the toilet seat with a wad of toilet roll and flushed it before opening the door. Kris stood talking nervously with Tommi in the kitchen. She had told everyone else to please stay in the lounge for a moment. Thank god she was tactful like that. The girls looked up with anticipation, but Dan and Phil looked at their feet.

“He’s been sick and fainted. I’m going to take him home.” Phil explained. Kris raised her eyebrows and pouted.

“Oh, poor thing!” she whined. “Take a water bottle with you and take care lovies.” she fussed, squeezing Phil’s hand, and walking them to the door.

Dan felt so guilty. He had just about ruined this girl’s birthday, and forced Phil to leave the party. He cried softly the whole way home. Nobody said a word. Once they were inside the elevator, Phil took Dan’s hand and rubbed circles over the back of it with his thumb. What could he do? A part of him knew the whole time, but denied that Dan was in danger. Mostly, though, Phil had no idea how sick Dan had actually become. He unlocked the door to the flat and kicked off his shoes once again.

“Come on now.” he said at last, and Dan followed him into the bedroom. The pair sat cross legged on the bed, facing each other. “What are we going to do for you?” Phil asked, pained. Dan looked at his hands, clicking his fingernails. He had no idea what to do, and offered no answer. “Why have you done this?” Phil enquired desperately.

“I don’t know.” Dan answered, and that was the truth. His self loathing had turned into a fear of eating entirely. This was never meant to happen. “And I don’t know what to do. I can’t eat.”

“You _can._ ” Phil encouraged.

“No, you don’t understand!” Dan cried. “It’s like a fear, like a phobia. I can’t just eat anymore.”

“We need to get you help then.” Phil mumbled, biting his lip.

“No.” Dan replied simply. It was unthinkable. “And you can’t force me to either.” At this Phil stood and pulled Dan up off the bed and into the master bathroom. He stripped Dan of his sweater and jeans and motioned for him to step on the scale. Humiliated, Dan stood freezing on the scale. _139 pounds_. He turned and looked into Phil’s eyes and found his partner was crying. “I’m sorry.”

“That’s tiny, Dan.” Phil took Dan’s shivering form into his arms, and felt nothing but bones. “You’re in danger, and if you won’t let me help you, I _will_ take you to the hospital.” Phil looked Dan in the eyes when he said this. “And I don’t want to do that to you.”

“Please. Don’t.” Dan choked.

“The choice is yours.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr: spicydanhowell  
> find Kris on tumblr: mychemicalphantrash (she's beautiful)


	6. Curves

February (Pt. 1)

Phil’s thirtieth birthday had gone mostly unrecognized due to the elephant in the room. Kris texted Phil a few times per day to check on the pair, growing increasingly concerned when she received no response. In the two days since Kris’s party Dan had managed to eat exactly nothing, opting instead to sleep for the entire day, and Phil was stressed to his breaking point.

“Bear, if you can’t eat this meal, I’ll call for an ambulance.” Phil warned, seated at the end of the bed. “You’re body is so weak you can’t even move from bed and it hurts me to see you like this. Please eat.” Dan stared at the sandwich on his plate. Peanut butter and strawberry jam, and to stay out of hospital Dan had to eat it.

“I just want to stay in bed anyway.” Dan articulated. Phil gently squeezed the bump in the blanket where Dan’s foot was.

“We’ve got jobs, hunny. You haven’t posted since December, and we’ve been getting by posting two gaming videos per month, half of them I filmed alone. You can’t throw away your life like this.” Dan couldn’t think of anything to say, and Phil gestured towards the plate on his partner’s lap. “I wanna film videos with you again, and get milkshakes, and have sex. I miss my boyfriend.”

The words were like knives, and the sadness in Phil’s eyes was a shot to Dan’s heart. He slowly nibbled half of the sandwich, which Phil rewarded with a big smile. Half of the sandwich: 200 calories. “Can you eat the other half?” Phil prompted. Dan shook his head. It was already so much more than he was accustomed to. “Could you drink a glass of milk then?”

“Yeah, I think so.” Phil beamed again. He helped Dan stand up, and held his hand as they ambled into the kitchen. As Phil poured two tall glasses of almond milk, Dan realized he hadn’t seen his boyfriend’s smile in days. “Philly?”

“Yeah, babe?”

“I love you so much.” Phil chuckled, and slid the glass across the counter to Dan.

“Drink your milk. I love you too.” They took a gulp together and there was silence. “I want to do something fun today.” Phil announced, leaning in and resting his chin on his fist. “Anything you like, as long as you eat dinner.” Dan didn’t want to go out anywhere, and he craved a sense of normalcy.

“Can we do some video games? Like we could film a video. It’s been a long time.” Dan suggested softly, wringing his hands. Phil bit his tongue. Dan looked sick, no doubt about it, and filming a video in his state would arouse concern. Dan knew what his partner was thinking, and a sense of self consciousness enveloped him. “Not if you think it’s a bad idea.”

“No, bear, we’re gonna do it. It’ll be good for you… Us.” Phil squeezed Dan’s hand gently, and looked him up and down. “Put on a big jumper, neaten up your hair. I mentioned in the last video that you were sick, so I guess we could get away with it without too much…” He gestured vaguely. “Gossip.” Dan smiled.

“Sounds like a plan.” he affirmed. Phil looked so excited. How torturous must it be to see your partner suffer and be completely unable to help? Without any prompting Dan took another sip of milk. Whether it was because it was a liquid, or because Phil was by his side, Dan wasn’t scared. In this moment, he felt like himself again.


	7. Congruency

February (Pt. 2)

142 pounds. Three meals per day (or 1.5 since he usually only ate half) was taking it’s toll, and Dan was on edge. Phil had hidden the bathroom scale behind his wardrobe, and on any occasion Phil went out, Dan would immediately extract it from its hiding place. The conflict between making his partner happy, and lessening his anxiety was an enormous stressor for Dan, and he saw no compromises.

He placed the scale back behind the wardrobe and, as though in a trance, floated into the kitchen. A bread knife was sharp… There was nothing he could do. His brain said starve, but his heart wanted Phil to be happy. He was out of control. He needed to get his control back.

“Oh! Dan! Hey! Put that down.” Phil stammered, bursting into the room. “Hey, you don’t need to do that.” Phil took Dan’s exposed forearm and made certain there were no new cuts. “Look at me babe.” he pleaded, and Dan met his gaze. Phil took the knife from Dan’s left hand whilst guiding him to a seated position on the kitchen floor. “It’s gonna be okay. I’ve got you.” he pulled Dan close and allowed him to rest his head on his chest. “Tell me what’s going on in here.” he patted Dan’s head gently.

“I want to get better for you, but…” Dan mumbled. “But… Eating makes me nervous. The idea of gaining weight makes me sick.” He was crying now. Phil rubbed his back slowly and rhythmically, whispering calming words into his warm, soft curls. Maybe if he held Dan tight enough, he could hold together all of the broken pieces that were once his partner, his lover, his friend.  


	8. Equilateral

March

Dan stood backwards on the bathroom scale. 145 pounds. “Good.” Phil affirmed. “All done now. You’re doing great, baby.”

Phil had contacted an eating disorder clinic for advice and resources. A lot of it seemed quite basic, but he learned how to keep track of Dan’s weight and food intake, and ease his anxiety. He had also been told to speak with Dan about seeing a nutritionist and a therapist, but this proved unsuccessful. Dan was pacing up and down the bedroom again, and didn’t leave the house at all, especially not for any kind of appointment, so Phil made do.

They ate three meals per day together. 10am, 2pm, 7pm, 2500 calories per day, and slowly, but surely, Dan started to laugh and joke again. The comments on the gaming video they filmed four weeks prior were laced with concern and even judgment, but recently people said he looked much better and healthier. It had still been three months since Dan posted a main channel video, and Phil was urging him to make a comeback.

“Do you maybe want to talk about what’s happened?” Phil suggested at breakfast. “I know we’re not terribly open about life stuff… But maybe it’d be good?”

“It would be… I’ve been thinking about that a lot.” Dan confirmed. “Let’s set up the camera.”

“You don’t even want to plan?”

“No, I want it to be genuine... On the fly.”

* * *

  

“Hello, internet. It all started when Phil called me to bed.”

 

* * *

 

Epilogue

161 pounds. A healthy, ideal weight. “I’ve missed this.” Phil purred, lifting Dan’s shirt over his head.

“Me too, my angel.”

Their shapes fit together like a puzzle. Mouths were circles, and closed eyes were curves. The geometry of two soft bodies collided to form something extraordinary. Something that was finally, truly stable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and thats it guys! thanks for reading
> 
> hmu on tumblr (spicydanhowell.tumblr.com)


End file.
